| Combat Heroes Wave 1; so much wrong | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 30 2008, 05:53 PM (432 Views) | |
| Dominic Guglieme | Oct 30 2008, 05:53 PM Post #1 |
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the human MICROscope!!
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When Hasbro released "Galactic Heroes" several years back, I was pretty dismissive of the line and its concept. The toys were basically kiddified filler, taking characters from "Star Wars" and making cutesy variations of them. (This consisted of making a pudgy Luke Skywalker with only 3 fingers and a thumb on each hand.) For the most part, "Galactic Heroes" was best ignored. Eventually, Hasbro started making Marvel Super Heroes based on the same aesthetic with the "Super Hero Squad" line. Given that Hasbro was making these toys based on licenses it held, it was only a matter of time before they began making lines based on their own in-house properties. After "Robot Heroes", ("Transformers"), appeared in early '07, it was only a matter of time before "GI Joe" got the same treatment. The problem with adapting some of the properties in question to a kiddie line is that if the designers are not careful, they are going to wind up marketing cutesy characters to kids that simply should not be cute. About a year back, I made the decision that I was going to collect some of the figures that particularly stuck my fancy by making me cringe. Every now and then, there is a toy made of a character that actually works in this aesthetic. The ewoks from "Star Wars" and a few of the "Transformers" movie characters come to mind here. But, more often than not, these are only worth buying if you have kids, or if you like to collect wholly inappropriate children's toys. I do not have every one of these that rates particularly high on the wrong-o-meter, but I have quite a few. As a line, "Combat Heroes" pretty much hits the low-mark each and every time. No single "Combat Heroes" package quite reaches the depths of the more dubious entries from other lines. But, unlike other lines which have a good deal of (objectively) inoffensive surrounding truly atrocious gems, every single pack of "Combat Heroes" has something ot make even the most jaded reader of comics and collector of toys cringe. Sometimes, the "wrong" comes from associating the characters represented in plastic with the context that inspired them. (Carnage is a homicidal maniac and Ben Reilly is one of the most hated characters from the 90s.) In other cases, the wrongness is based on something in the package itself. (Has anyone else seen that White Queen figure?) Few packs can hope to match the lewd sculpt and pose of the "Super Hero Squad" White Queen, or the "Galactice Heroes" Slave Leia. I really doubt anything will match the multiple levels of wrong that are the Carnage/Ben Reilly pack. (Two characters with no kid appeal, and enough bad associations to discourage parents. Brilliant.) A reasonable person might frin the Ark Ghost figure from "Adventure Heroes", (Indiana Jones), to be pretty dreadful. If a cute little skull-faced wraith is not enough to make one dubious of the line, the fact it comes with the Ark of the Covenant, to say nothing of what this beast does in the movie, should be flinch-worthy. But, these packs equal, if not exceed such gems as the "Galactic Heroes" Dark Anakin (Vader)/Clone Trooper pack, which evokes the pogrom sequence from "Revenge of the Sith", which of course ends with Vader slaughtering a room full of small children. The figures evoking Frank Miller's takes on characters like Wolverine, Daredevil and Electra are also pretty awful. (What I really want to see is a Weapon X figure. Nothing would rock harder than a children's toy based on Wolverine clad only in wires and electronic medical monitors.) And, lest anyone thinks I forgot, it seems that the "Ultimate" Hulk, (nothing cuter than a cannabilistic rapist), figure has been cancelled. I have been looking, (oh, boy, have I been looking), for about 4 months and have not seen one. Remember, the grades I am giving these toys assumes an appreciation for morbid humour. Unlike other reviews, a high grade here does not necessarily translate into "buy one". If anything, a high grade might well translate as "avoid this thing for your own good". Wave 1 of "Combat Heroes" consists of 4 sets. Duke w/Cobra Soldier Bazooka w/Firefly Roadblock w/Cobra Commander Snake-eyes and Timber w/Zartan All but two of the figures, Zartan and Bazooka, have guns. Bazooka has, as one might expect, a bazooka. Zartan has a compound bow, which will be discussed below. Duke w/Cobra Soldier: This is probably the most benign of the 4. Duke is a pretty standard design for this series, taking a recognizable character and "kidding it down". But, the Cobra Soldier is worth a second look, much like a subway flasher. I am not sure if it is intentional, but the trooper looks manifestly afraid of something. The effect is funny enough that I will put aside my constructionist ethic and read it as fear even if the effect is purely accidental. Of course, even if the soldier has reason to be scared, he can protect himself with his trust Kalashnikov rifle. Yup, that is right. He has a keeeooeewt widdle AK-47. It is the most adowuble widdle AK-47 you have ever seen! Looking at this toy, one would never guess that the AK-47 has been present for more atrocities than possible any other weapon in the last 50 years. Grade: C I really like the AK-47 on the trooper. And, the scared look on his face does not hurt. Bazooka w/Firefly: Like Duke, Bazooka is pretty forgettable. The fact the bazooka is so ridiculously over-sized that the figure of the same name cannot stand with any real stability puts it a bit ahead of Duke, but not buy much. Oh, but Firefly makes it all worthwhile. Firefly is a saboteur. If you look into his cute little back-pack, (lovingly molded to look like the one included with the legitimate figure), you can see all kind of implements of mischief. Besides his sub-machine gun, Firefly is also toting a little time bomb. The angle of the head and factial expression just scream "nervous". It looks like Firefly is up to no good and is afraid of getting caught. How cute! In the comics, Firefly is known for being the guy who helped Zartan kill the Hard Master during a botched hit on Snake-eyes. He supplied Zartan with the compound bow that fired the fatal arrow. Firefly was present when Scrap-iron killed the Soft Master. Yup, when you see Firefly, expect some kind of mischief. Grade: B In all seriousness, the comics cited here are well worth finding and reading. But, making a cutesy little toy of Firefly is just crazy. Roadblock w/Cobra Commander: For obvious reasons, the Joes in this line are just not as much fun as the Cobra operatives. Roadblock is no exception to this rule. Some people may consider the fact that Roadblock was something of a stereotype in the old cartoons to be a strike against this toy. But, that characterization was inconsistent. Again, the real fun is with the bad guy. There is nothing overtly terrible about the Cobra Commander figure on its own. It is all in the context. Cobra Commander is, put simply, the everyman from hell. In the old comics, Cobra the organization was the American Dream gone horribly awry. Cobra Commander built a vast enterprise based on confidence scams and playing to the worst elements of human nature. Cobra is an Amway scam combined with a twisted kind of militia populism. Cobra Commander is a small business man who has a grudge against a system that he blames for the failure of his business. And now, little children can play out a twisted variant of the American Dream on the kitchen floor, the living room couch, or anywhere at all! Grade: B/C As much as the CC figure appeals, you have to get the context to get the wrong here, making this a bit less awful than the Bazooka/Firefly set above. Snake-eyes and Timber w/Zartan: Oh, where to begin. Possibly the most disturbing thing about this set is the sheer amount of new molding. While new molding is to be expected with a new line, the Snake-eyes figure was partially used for an exclusive at San Diego Comicon , and while the SDCC set had a Timber figure, this set has a newly molded Timber figure that alone is worth the price of admission. The Snake-eyes figure has a newly molded sword. The SDCC figure had a sword evoking the 1986 figure's sword. This blade is a more generic katana. The black plastic becomes grey, and the grenade bandolier has green high-lights. All of the remolding and recoloring in the world does not change the fact that Snake-eyes is the "unknown soldier" as a counter-point to Cobra Commander's dreadful "everyman". In addition to the sword, Snake-eyes has an uzi that looks cocked and ready to spit deadly projectiles at his foes. Now, let us consider Snake-eyes in context. After returning home from "the war", Snake-eyes discovers that his loving family has been killed while driving to the airport to meet him. After nearly being corrupted by the man who would become Cobra Commander, Snake-eyes travels to Japan and finds a measure of peace with his friend Storm Shadow and the Arashikage ninja clan. This peace is destroyed by Zartan and Firefly. The Timber figure is worth a review on its own. Unlike the SDCC figure, this Timber figure is molded to be disturbingly cute. Despite the fact that Timber was never portrayed as a wolf cub in the comics, this toy presents....a cute little wolf cub. The figure is sitting in that unever way puppies do. The right ear is folded down in that charming way that puppy ears often flop. The eyes and angle of the head evoke a puppy looking playfully up at its master. And, Timber is ready to play, holding something in his mouth. What is it? Why, it is a combat knife! If that is not enough, the edges of the wolf's mouth are bulding out where the knife's handle protrudes. (If you have ever seen a dog carrying a stick, you have the right idea. Zartan is pretty dreadful if you get the context. The compound bow is cleary intended to evoke the compound bow that Zartan killed the Hard Master with. With one misfired arrow, Zartan destroyed any prospect Snake-eyes had for a peaceful life. He killed the Hard Master. And, Zartan managed to send Storm Shadow down a dark path on a quest to avenge the Hard Master's murder. Later, Zartan would kill the original Serpentor with a similar weapon. On top of that, according to the original file card, Zartan suffers from multiple personality disorder. Grade: A If you only get one, the choice is obvious. While the line has not yet delivered on everything I expect, and morbidly hope, to see, I am holding out some hopes for the following "Combat Heroes" figures. Serpentor w/General Phillip Rey: If they can make a "Punisher as Captain America" for "Superhero Squad", they can make this. They could even go the extra mile and have Serpentor and Rey (an amnesiac clone of Serpentor) posed to mirror each-other. Stormshadow: Well, c'mon! They make Snake-eyes, Zartan and Firefly. They make Cobra Commander. All we need is a Stormshadow figure and we'd have the cutest little Greek tragedy ever. Destro w/Baroness: The best part about this set would be the prospect of grand-parents (likely baby-boomers) buying this one for their little grandsons. (Baroness was originally written as a sixties radical, and is thus a shot at baby-boomer icons and values.) The SAW Viper: A once nameless Cobra soldier who killed 4 Joes. Throw in one of his victims, and this could be one of the worst "Combat Heroes" sets ever. Dom -still hoping for a Gwen Stacy/Norman Osborne Goblin pack for "Superhero Squad". |
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Keep it local. The healthiest leper in the colony is still very very sick. www.theanimalrescuesite.com | |
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| WWCD | Oct 30 2008, 07:05 PM Post #2 |
What Would Cap Do?
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Hey, Dom, great reviews as usual. Asforyour hopefuls, it was announced a while back that Storm Shadow is in Wave 2. I believe he either comes with Roadblock or Bazooka. -Jim |
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| Dominic Guglieme | Oct 31 2008, 09:09 AM Post #3 |
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the human MICROscope!!
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Bah. Redundant figures already. Dom -really holding out for Buzzer, a Professor gone wrong. |
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Keep it local. The healthiest leper in the colony is still very very sick. www.theanimalrescuesite.com | |
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| 138 Scourge | Nov 1 2008, 03:08 AM Post #4 |
Kung-Fu Billionaire
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Also, according to BBTS' listings, there's a Destro, Baroness, and Serpentor coming. Buzzer, I'm not sure of, but I'm hoping... Me, I'm hoping for lil' B.A.T.s and lil' Mindbender. And some TRU or something Cobra Trooper troopbuilder set. I'm so in for this line, you don't even know. |
| COBRA wants you, and I know you want COBRA! | |
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| Dominic Guglieme | Nov 1 2008, 10:57 AM Post #5 |
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the human MICROscope!!
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Gimmee the Phoenix Guard. Dom |
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Keep it local. The healthiest leper in the colony is still very very sick. www.theanimalrescuesite.com | |
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| gijoe071681 | Nov 16 2008, 02:56 PM Post #6 |
SPAMbot Supreme!!
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i would so buy that saw viper and doc set you were thinking of there dom |
 <------ make the clicky UNDER CONSTRUCTION!
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| Dominic Guglieme | Nov 17 2008, 11:45 AM Post #7 |
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the human MICROscope!!
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Imagine the custom prospects for Doc. All it would take is putting out a cigarette on his face. 0_o Dom -actually gave a couple of sets to a lil' kid this weekend. |
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Keep it local. The healthiest leper in the colony is still very very sick. www.theanimalrescuesite.com | |
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| gijoe071681 | Nov 17 2008, 09:00 PM Post #8 |
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SPAMbot Supreme!!
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<------ make the clicky UNDER CONSTRUCTION!
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| viper commander | Nov 20 2008, 11:42 AM Post #9 |
Mercenary, Assassin
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I was seriously laughing my butt off reading that...
Edited by viper commander, Nov 20 2008, 11:45 AM.
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